This is a tale of a spot you wouldn't think would be known for its succulent lobster roll which is why it took me so long to finally drag my sorry ass over there. But when so many people recommend a lobster roll and you're the kind of person who really likes lobster rolls, you must acquiesce. So after yet another relative demanded I give it a try, I headed over to Patch's Variety in Standish – where Route 35 meets White's Bridge Road, not far from the scenic shores of Sebago Lake.
Unlike those lake shores, Patch's is anything but scenic. It's a gas station with a convenience store that makes your average c-store take out. But this one also does lobster rolls – the only food promoted on the store's roadside signage. What the hell, I thought. It hasn't killed any of my relatives so there's that.
Patch's lobster rolls are seasonal – available May to September – with two different size options, served with (no) or without (yes) lettuce. I ordered the Small because committing to the Giant my first time is dumb – especially considering the location.
Small Lobster Roll – $12.04
Giant Lobster Roll – $30.09
This is also a tale of love at first sight. At first glimpse of this lobster roll, you want to tongue kiss the old man who handed it to you because even the Small has some serious girth. At first glimpse, this lobster roll is almost a thing of beauty. It's stuffed full of acceptably sized lobster chunks mixed with a touch of mayo and served on a nicely toasted hot dog roll. And it's $12. Yes, TWELVE.
This is also a tale of disappointment. The first sign of disappointment came when I searched for a place to enjoy this lobster roll. Then I remembered I was at a gas station so I chose to sit in my car in the middle of the dusty parking lot surrounded by questionable characters in questionable black windowless vans. There goes my rule about not eating in the new car!
The second sign of disappointment came when I took my first bite. And every bite after that. Why I didn't stop after the first three bites, I'll never know. I'm guessing it had something to do with either (a) not wanting to waste the $12 or (b) thinking that maybe the damn thing would get better. Option B definitely did not happen. Maybe I was there on an off day because clearly, that lobster meat was not the freshest. It first lacked actual taste and what taste it did have was that of seafood a few days old. Cue sad slide trombone.
I'm guessing Saturdays are a pretty busy day at Patch's with all the lake traffic and such. It would only make sense to me that you'd mix up a fresh batch for the tourists! Oh well... better luck next time, I guess. Although for me, there will be no next time for this joint.
